By David Johnson
The Wild East

Just ‘got wind’ of the AIT’s (American Institute in Taiwan) typhoon warning for U.S. citizens. Bloody hell, don’t Americans make a big deal out of everything? Next they’ll be making a Hollywood movie out of all this rain. Warnings like this only make people panic, the same as the Taiwanese 24-hour news with the screeching xiao jier news readers, who sound like a trapped rat. I’m sure all this rain is a big deal, but it’s a bit over the top to broadcast a self-important message and make people “find shelter.”

Here’s my warning to English people:
Alright then, there’s this typhoon just off the coast and there’s a bit of rain, nothing to worry too much about. You might want to put your wellies on and take an umbrella with you. If it floods, wait patiently until it goes away. If it keeps flooding, find a hill or someone with a tractor.

Probably best to stay inside, but it’s up to you. Teabags can be found in Carrefour, Wellcome and RT Mart in different varieties, including Earl Grey and English Breakfast tea. For the snobs from London, fruit tea can also be found.

People who own a narrow boat can ignore this warning.

If you do go outside, leave your travel documents or ID at home because they will probably get wet, and then it will cost you a lot of money to replace it. You’ll also end up in a big mess if you have to leave next week. Take photocopies instead.

Don’t worry about contacting relatives or friends back home – they know what it is like when it is windy; and those relatives in Oxford, Cambridge, Worcester, Stratford, Gloucester, Cheltenham, Evesham, Cumbria, Northumberland and Wales know what it is like when it floods. All that will happen is you’ll end up pointlessly jamming the phone lines for those people with a real emergency who really need to get through to someone.

Don’t listen to ICRT because they tend to over-dramatise things, pretend to be American and play really shite repetitive music. Instead, sit back, relax with a glass of red wine and listen to the rain hammering on the roof.

Put the dog kennel on bricks.

Don’t forget to let the cat in.

British people in Taiwan office.